Treating everyone the same is NOT fair
Fairness means equity, not uniformity.
👋 Hey, it’s Stephane. Welcome to my weekly newsletter where I share lessons, and stories from my journey to help you lead with confidence as an Engineering Manager.
Being fair doesn’t mean treating everyone the same. It means giving people what they need to do well.
Many engineering managers try to treat everyone the same. It sounds nice, but it doesn't work.
You might think, “I’m being fair by applying the same rules to everyone.” But are you really?
Get hired as an Engineering Manager (sponsored)
If you are searching for an Engineering Manager job in this horrendous job market and want to make your life easier, I’ve got something for you!
I have created material that simplifies everything:
CV & LinkedIn for Engineering Managers
How to apply (and actually get interviews)
How to prep for behavioural/leadership/people & values interviews
Many people have used the exact same resources in the past year and saw immediate success!
I created this system for myself first, and since I have found so much value from it, I needed to share it with you too!
If you have any questions on it, feel free to reach out at stephane@em-tools.io
Back to this week’s thought.
Equality vs. Equity
Equality is when everyone gets the same time, attention, or support from you.
Equity is when everyone gets what they need (which isn’t always equal).
Think about it.
A senior engineer who’s deep in the zone might just want you to get out of the way.
A junior developer who’s still learning might need regular check-ins and hands-on help.
If you treat them the same, at least one of them will struggle. Maybe both.
Fair isn’t about being even.
Get 50 Notion templates & The EM’s Field Guide when you subscribe
This shows up in different areas
You can’t just copy-paste your management style across your whole team. People are different. And their needs show up in a few big areas:
1. Skills and Experience
New hires often need structure. Clear goals. Short feedback loops.
Mid-level folks want to stretch. They’ll need nudges, not always instructions.
Seniors often just need the context, a goal and trust. Then let them run.
Trying to treat these people the same is like giving every athlete the same training plan. It makes no sense.
2. Work style
Some people think out loud. They want meetings, Slack chats, fast feedback.
Others need space. They think better in quiet and come back with better ideas.
Tip: Run meetings that fit your team’s style - not just your own. Don’t force everyone to “speak up” if that’s not how they do their best thinking.
3. Personal life and limits
Your team isn’t made of robots.
People have health issues.
People live in different time zones.
People have kids, parents, partners.
You know… they have a life!
Their work hours, energy, and focus won’t always match yours, or each other’s. If you ignore this, you’ll lose people. Or worse, burn them out completely over time.
4. How they want feedback
Some engineers prefer and thrive with direct feedback. “Tell me straight so I can fix it”.
Others shut down or become defensive unless you ease into it carefully.
If you give everyone feedback in the same way and tone, you will fail half the time and won’t even know it.
What should you do?
Glad you asked. Here’s how to be fair by being smart about the differences in your team.
1. Talk to everyone often (not just when there’s a problem)
Use your one-on-ones. And actually listen.
Ask questions like:
What’s been working for you?
What do you wish you had more of?
How do you like to get feedback?
What are you trying to get better at?
Write this stuff down. This is the raw material for managing each person better.
👉 I have a bunch of questions like these (30 to be exact) in my templates here if you want to get some inspiration.
2. Be flexible (on purpose)
One person might enjoy daily check-ins. Another might want deep focus time and asynchronous updates.
Let them work the way they work best - as long as the outcomes are strong.
You’re not giving up control. You’re getting better results.
3. Build personal growth plans
What do you want to get better at?
What role do you want next?
What’s been hard lately?
And more questions like that. Make sure to get the context and reasoning behind each answer too! I have had an instance where a senior engineer was telling me he wanted to become a manager for all the wrong reasons. After a few conversations of getting to the foundational reason why he realised he was more drawn into tech leadership and the Staff+ path. That was an awesome choice for him as he’s progressed to being Principal Engineer a couple of years later.
Once you have solid gaols and reasoning you can build the plan on how to get there with them. Not for them.
4. Match the feedback to the person
This is one is talked about a lot but many don’t follow it. Not sure why!
Find out:
When are they most open to feedback?
Do they want it in writing or in person?
Do they want it immediately or after some time?
Then give feedback in a way they’ll hear it, not just in a way that feels easy for you.
5. Rethink rules before you make them
Whenever you find yourself about to create a blanket rule, pause.
Ask:
Who is this rule helping?
Who will it hurt?
What problem is it really trying to solve?
Rules that treat everyone the same are often just shortcuts to avoid hard conversations.
One final thought
If you treat everyone the same, you’re not being fair, you’re just taking the easy way out.
Fair management takes work.
But it pays you back fast:
Less confusion.
Less turnover.
More trust.
Better results.
Don’t be lazy. Be useful.
That’s all, folks!
See you in the next one,
~ Stephane
PS. If you’re taking this management thing seriously, here are more ways I can help:
Follow me on LinkedIn for insights during the week.
As mentioned in this article, if you’re looking for an Engineering Manager job, check out this product that I made for you to 3x your interviews!
Check the products that I offer with a paid subscription - 50 Notion templates, guides, and more. It’s a lot!
Work with me through 1:1 coaching. I find it extremely rewarding to give personalized guidance to engineering leaders who are interviewing for EM roles or are looking to grow in this area.
If you’re a Software Engineer I have a partnership with CodeCrafters – build Redis, Git & more from scratch (40% off with my link).
If you're preparing for interviews, I am also writing this newsletter for architecture design that you might be interested in:
